QIAOQ
QUESTIONS I Answered ON QUORA
This is not gonna be a Short answer, so don’t read if you fail to focus for long (which shouldn’t happen by the way)
Since you mentioned the word “In-voluntarily”, it gave so much depth to this question. So, first of all, let’s address the problem more clearly.
First of all, you don’t change your personality, what changes is your BEHAVIOUR. And changing behaviour from time to time depending upon the person you are talking to has now become your PERSONALITY.
Secondly, adjusting your behaviour according to the situation / confrontation is not a totally bad thing, you can’t speak to your parents the same way you speak to your friend or a criminal.
But your problem here is: you are struggling with your character. You don’t have YOU. Its like you don’t have your own TASTE and SPICE, you just dissolve yourself in whatever or whoever you start talking to. And this kills you from inside, literally, because you are afraid that the longer you don’t speak what YOU think and what’s YOUR opinion, you will die (your soul I mean).
Till now, if I am successful in interpreting what’s wrong with you then keep reading, otherwise leave.
So, if I have to be staright forward (you didn’t notice that I wrote Staright instead of straight, focus my friend),
Yeah so, if I have to be straight forward, then your problem is being “Too Agreeable”, you may have other problem also, but this is the MAJOR part of your personality, yes personality (For Now)
.And I can mention countless reasons for that, In fact I ahve an made a full video series abouot this on my YouTube, But I can think of TWO right now which lead to this Agreeableness:
You run from Conflicts i.e. you don’t want to upset anyone or Everyone.
You are In-competent (This one is a harsh one, but only you Know if that’s true)
Lets elaborate this one by one:
Avoiding Conflicts: Friend, you don’t contradict anyone, because you don’t want to upset them. Now, let me ask you this: Is everyone 100% happy with you? Like do they never EVER get upset? They do, right. They get angry, annoying, mean or selfish towards you no matter how had you try. And when you are on the receiving end of that anger, you get frustrated, because first, you lost your character and personality just to keep them happy and nice, and now you failed at that too, because guess what, their happiness is their choice, and yours is yours. You are just a piece of puzzle in their life, they have their own world, problems, and rewards. But you have made them the centre of your happiness.
Incompetency: This one is critical and Important. You see, you may not be that obedient or nice as I described above, may be you are brave, BUT, you don’t know Sh*t. Yes, That’s just it, you are unaware of what’s happening around you, or in the country or in the world. You don’t put in the effort, neither in your work nor in your personality. And as a result, you can’t help but listen and agree to waht others say.
In sort you are a Pet, a victim, and a slave to others mood, opinions and knowledge.
P.S: I am ot gonna tell the solution because I ahve already answered that In other countless questions, for which you can check my profile or space. And also, since you specifically asked about the problem, I told you only the problem. Later.
How do you increase your hunger for food?
Not eating for quite a long time.
If the food in front of you is quite delicious.
Similarly, when it comes to study, there are a few methods.
Whether what you are about to study is quite fascinating and interesting (eg books by Miyamoto Musashi, Victor Frankl etc)
May be you have made the process of studying interesting and creative.
You have an exam to clear, which is mandatory.
You haven’t sat down and studied for a very long time, so your brain kind of “misses” reading and making notes.(This happens, but rarely)
Out of the above four, 1st, 3rd and 4th, depends upon the external stimuli or your study material. The 2nd one I will assume is what you are looking for. By ‘hunger’, I will assume you meant ‘interest’ and ‘focus’ on reading. So here are a few Tried and tested tips, which have also been written in many other answers repeatedly too:
Switch off phone, or at least increase the resistance by setting long password, leaving phone in your car, or other room.
Take colourful notes, learn “SKETCHNOTING“. It is very creative, captivating and will keep you engage. The best part is, it makes revision and retention many times faster.
Switch places, go to library, where other kids also study.
Take prints, instead of PDFs.
Download videos and listen to them while walking, metro etc. (not while driving)
Good luck
Why don’t you try to just Behave and let the “Dominant” part take care of itself.
Here is the key: Do not do to others, what you don’t want to happen to yourself.
Examples:
1. If you have assigned a task to someone and do not want that person to procrastinate, then don’t procrastinate yourself.
2. If you don’t want people to make fun of you, Don’t make fun of others
3. If you want your parents/brother/partner to have a healthy body, have a healthy body yourself.
You get the point.
The point is not to be dominant, but Competent.
There is no “NAME“, it’s just Discipline and self-care. If you insist on naming then you can just call him/her “High value Man/Woman” (pun intended)
The lesson is: When you Prioritize your tasks, you Prioritize your time and your effort. When you do that, you get things done, you grow-mentally and physically. If someone is having a problem with your timetable, then it’s their problem not yours.
Peace
If you know that the person asking for favour can comfortably do the task on their own, but he/she is choosing not to.
When the other person doesn’t appreciate your time or effort.
If that favour is against your morals or ethics like Smoking, drinking etc
When you have your own things to do first.
If you think that not doing a favour will seriously affect your relationship with that person, then that’s a big enough reason to especially not do that favour, until and unless they would have done the same for you in the past.
CONFUSION– Trying to imitate a Western lifestyle, while living in a middle-class family in an Asian country conflicts with their belief system. They get fascinated by what’s shown in the movies and series from the developed nations, and expect too much from reality, which of course never happens.
EXPECTATION — Indian parents/adulthood is still confused between Intelligence and Smartness. If you are not scoring 90 in math, you are a ZERO.
COMPARISON TRAP- Individual performance doesn’t matter as long as your parents know someone who is “better” than you, in that moment. This obviously grooves inside our minds and carry forward in every area of life. This steals the joy out of life, literally.
OVERCARING — It’s good to look after your children, but there is a line between caring and Pampering. Over caring, which is a salient feature of an Indian society, deprives the child of all the challenges he would face, which would otherwise prepare him to face the world in the later stages of his/her life. Providing everything in advance, spoils us.
For starters, “Too” much of everything is bad, so there’s that. But you already know that, so let’s start again.
Too nice, what does this mean?
In general — Every “Good” thing you do, you go beyond your abilities, beyond expectations. So, where’s the problem in that? Nowhere, but the problem arises when you go beyond what’s REQUIRED.
See, you are a human, and human being is a social animal. But that doesn’t mean that, that animal has to be a sacrificial lamb. When you are going beyond requirements, you are obviously putting in extra efforts. And it’s only natural to expect the same (or at least somewhere nearby) in return, until and unless you are that ideal human every self-help book has mentioned to become.
And when you don’t get the same effort in return (which happens like 90% of the time), you regret your previous help. You loathe that person, you rage, you hate. And the “funny” part is, it was your choice to go beyond what was required. So, after a while, you start hating yourself, for being an “available” guy.
And this isn’t over yet. See, when you help too much, you actually prevent the other person to solve the problem him/herself. This deprives them of all the hidden resources they might have unlocked, if they solved the problem themselves. And sooner or later, they have to do it. Who do you think they will come looking for help? YOU. And you might not be available, and then they will fail to get things done, and then they will CURSE you, and then you will get even more angrier for helping them the first few times.
It’s a feedback loop…..from hell. This was just one example, I can go on and on, but I think you get the point.
So, here is something you can practice no matter how “late” you are in life, it won’t be easy:
Say NO, you can find plenty of methods on “How to say NO”. You can read them, or you can just say “NO” and bear the consequences (which is how I learned, and I will do that again if I have to).
Treat yourself like a person you would want to impress.
Get your needs met first, not by false/immoral methods. But by being clear and disciplined.
Every time you please someone, you displease 5 others, so why not please yourself in the process.
Don’t run away from CONFLICT. Just Don’t.
Feel fear and do it anyways. (This is also a book, if you want to read).
Voila!